These days I don’t even bother with setting an alarm. Every morning I wake at 6am sharp to a crying or cooing baby girl in the next room. I plant my tired feet on the floor and make my way into her room to be greeted with the biggest smile I have ever experienced. It’s like this EVERY day, like it has never happened before. I pick up her warm, tiny body and breathe in her sweet scent. My eye catches her big brother passed out in the “big boy” bed on the other side of the room. Completely unaware that his sister has been making noise for the past 10 minutes, he sleeps on. I make my way back into my bed and lay baby girl on my lap to get into position so that she can have her breakfast. She squeals in anticipation and excitement as if she has been waiting all night for this. It’s quiet, just me and her for a moment. We stare into each other’s eyes and just soak each other in as I build the day ahead in my brain.
Within the hour, her brother will stumble into our room rubbing his eyes awake. He will demand “his” shows, a snack bar, milk, tickle monster, snuggles and to go play at the neighbors all within the first 15 minutes. My day will then consist of the same demands on and off for the next 12 or so hours.
Everyone will come first. I will not have a sip of coffee until the kids have been fed, husband has had his cup, dog has been let out, plants have been misted or watered and baby girl is down for her first nap. At that point it is a mad dash to wash my face, throw on some clothes and inhale the leftover breakfast from the 3 year old.
There is hardly a moment to myself, not an instant without worry, a never ending to do list and a forever revolving playlist of “mommy, mommy, mommy”. But you know what, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!! Is it hard, yes. Is it terrifying, absolutely. Is it exhausting, you bet your ass. Is it worth it, a thousand times over!!!!! On days when it gets hard (and it gets HARD) I take a moment to realize that this gift isn’t always granted to everyone. There was a time not so long ago that I thought that I would never experience this life.
in the beginning…
In my early 30s, I didn’t know if I should be a mom. That my anxiety issues would ultimately make me a “bad mother”. Unable to be calm and loving to a child. We went back and forth on whether it was the right time for us and then finally realized that the clock was ticking. We decided that no matter what, we wanted to have a family. So we started our trying to conceive (TTC) journey and at the time I was so naive to the fact that it might take a while.
Before I knew it, it was time for my annual check-up and I realized that we had been “not, not trying” for over 6 months. My doctor and I talked about it and we decide that if nothing had happened in a year that we would come up with a game plan. I didn’t want to put too much pressure on myself.
Then as the year mark came and went I found myself pushing back my OB appointment, not wanting to face the music. I felt ashamed, inadequate, less of a woman and guilty. Guilty of the choices that I made in my youth that I felt I was getting punished for now. Now that I wanted a baby more than anything. So I decided that I needed to start listening to my body a bit more and get serious. I started tracking my cycle with an app and taking ovulation tests.
Then, in June of 2016, I felt like this was THE month! That I had done everything humanly possible and that if it didn’t stick this time around, we would go in to discuss our options. And then…I got my period. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. I hadn’t taken a test this time around yet because I just couldn’t bear to see another negative strip. But I didn’t need to. That next week we made an appointment for my husband to go in and run some tests and decided to get off the grid for the weekend and go camping.
The last day of the trip I didn’t feel well at all and something just seemed “off”. Before heading back home we stopped in to see my mom and she said that there was something “different” about me. The next day I had off work and I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was “off” or “different” with me. So I decide to take a pregnancy test, just to rule everything out. And to my COMPLETE shock, it came back positive!!!!!! I ran to the store and got 3 more to confirm the first one. All positive!!! I couldn’t believe it! Turns out I had mistaken heavy spotting for my period. TURNS OUT, I really knew nothing about my body or cycle!!! LOL
second time around…
When we decided to try again for a second baby, I knew right away that I needed to be listening to my body more. That it would give me all the answers I needed if I would just listen. I started taking my temperature and ovulation tests every day “around” my cycle. Come to find out. I don’t have a “normal” 28 day cycle and not all women do! Something else I had been doing was cleaning our home and our lives of toxic products. From our household cleaner to our deodorant, there are so many products out there that wreck havoc on our hormones! The second time around I was pregnant in one try. I DO NOT SAY THIS TO BRAG!! I say this because it still amazes me that I was able to turn it around so drastically. My son changed everything for me.
I have never shared my TTC story because I know that compared to others, mine is short and sweet. But it’s all relative and for me, it was long and painful and scary. Pregnancy and motherhood changes and teaches you in so many ways. It’s crazy, that at 36 years old, I was finally able to listen to the clues that my body gives me on a daily basis. But probably the biggest way motherhood has changed me is knowing who I am and what I stand for. Knowing what I am willing to sacrifice and what I am NOT. That I am worthy of motherhood and even if I deal with anxiety that I am a “good mother” because I question that in the first place. All my kids need is me, for better or for worse.
If you or anyone else you know is struggling with fertility, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even if the outcome isn’t what you thought it would be, that’s okay. Stop setting expectations of what you “think” is the right way or time. Be patient and give yourself grace. And if you need some support, I am right here!!!
Until next time…
XO
Callie
Beautifully Said Darling